This morning began with a trip to my doctor’s office to discuss my current antidepressant. A few months ago, I was forced – by insurance – to switch to a new brand. My doctor chose Wellbutrin and I have given it a try. But, 2 1/2 months in, I am unhappy with the results for a variety of reasons. For starters, my anxiety is no better and I feel like I live in a fog. There is more to the equation, but you get the drift. Anyway, my doctor and I discussed it this morning and he has changed up my prescription so that I have to take a pill twice a day. In addition, I am to stop taking my sleeping med because, apparently, the mix of the two can cause seizures. Seizures!
I left his office with a sense of determination: I am going to get healthy without these pills. I realize that going off medications is a serious matter, but I also realize that staying on them has the potential to do a lot of physical damage. From seizures to loss of short term memory, the list of side effects is daunting. I also realize that I have never been in such a good place in my life: I am happy.
At 34, I have some life experience under my belt, as well as the knowledge that life doesn’t always have to be roses and lollipops to be worth living. Even in the worst of circumstances, I can find something worth the effort of existence. These elements, combined with an awesome network of friends and a counselor who has seen fit to arm me with power over my own emotions, give me the confidence that I can work towards a new sense of wellness.
I have no delusions: I know that I am going to struggle. But I also know that I have some great weapons to fight with in my back pocket. So, I am going to try. Today is day 2 without an antidepressant. In fact, I haven’t taken my sleeping med in two days either because I suspicioned that it was the culprit causing the extreme drowsiness. Withdrawals hit a bit today and I fought a nasty headache, but my spirits are high. I’m feeling okay thus far.
Of course, time will tell. And, if crisis becomes evident, I will do what I must. But I have to give myself a shot now. With the divorce finally over and life moving in a positive direction, I want to see if I can handle life without a chemical crutch.