On my Way

Well, I’ve given up.  On day 4 of my antidepressant cleansing, I gave in.  That day, my boyfriend was off work and we took his daughter to the movies to see the new X-Men movie.  And I don’t remember much of it.  All I know is, my face was tingling and numb-ish, and I felt like the world was swirling around me.  So, after the movie, I took a pill and a half.  It took a couple of days, but it finally leveled out.  I feel better now, but the idea that I need medicine to be “normal” makes me sad.

I hate that I am chemically dependent, or dependent on anything for that matter.   At this time in my life – divorced, building a business, and wanting to get back to school – I am dependent on so much, from antidepressants to alimony.  For now, I rely on my monthly alimony payment to help make bills, though it runs out in December.  Then, for college, I am hoping to get some grant money so I can afford it.  I know that it’s okay to lean a bit while I go through this phase, but it doesn’t do much for my self esteem.  Basically, I feel like pond scum.

On the positive side, I’m on my way to being independent – for the first time in my life.  For 13 years, I basically depended on my husband to provide, and my father provided before that.  Sure, I had some jobs here and there, and I bought some cute clothes and kept my nails done.  But essentially, I did not provide anything other than “fun” money.  That behavior, however, has created some difficulty for me now because I am not in the habit of “regular” work and basically have no marketable skills.  I have 3 years of college, but no degree of any sort because I changed my major so much.  Soooo… I have to teach this old dog some new tricks.  Hmpf.

Lately, stress has been my constant companion.  I am expecting checks from clients but, due to a move, my mail has been held up.  Now, it is almost the 1st of the month and I am still broke and waiting. This situation forces me to call on some serious meditation and pinot grigio.  I am not a patient person, and am even less so when I am waiting. With every tick, I get a new grey hair.  (You laugh, but I can count them.)  Of course, when the checks arrive, they will be instantly deposited and then sent to bill collectors.  But nothing makes me happy like knowing I can pay my bills… unless it’s knowing I can pay them and still have enough left for Starbucks. Now that, my friends, is bliss. 🙂

For tonight, I am watching Netflix and enjoying a glass of cheap wine before I hit the pillow.  Maybe tomorrow the checks will come and the bill collectors will be held off for another month.  And, with any luck, there might be some Starbucks in my near future.  Here’s hoping!


At the Peak

newsFlagMountainI keep hoping I will sit down at my keyboard and bang out the words to something profound, something  groundbreaking on being single or an epiphany about the complicated feelings that go along with divorce.  But, in the mental space where I hover these days, words seem to escape me.  It isn’t that I’m broken or depressed or numb, I just can’t find the words for this middle space, this middle world where I’m making adjustments both physically and emotionally to the reality that I am now single.   I can’t muster words or anything remotely creative right now, and it’s making me a little frustrated.  And maybe that’s where I’m supposed to be.  Maybe, on the cusp of a breakthrough, it’s okay to be speechless.

Despite my creative frustrations in this new space of being, I am happy, and I don’t use that word lightly.  For me, happy is a complex emotion and an enigma.  Many people throw it around as a temporary thought, an emotion that passes a smile across the face and then disappears.  But in my circle of friends, when we talk about being happy, it is understood that happy is a soul-level emotion.  It is a deep-seated state of being that prevails even when everything is going wrong.  And now, for the first time in my life, I understand exactly how it feels.  The past couple of years have been an emotional hell, from admitting to myself that my marriage was over, to saying it out loud, to having the courage to do what I knew was right.  And now, as I stand near the top of this mountain of pain and look back at all the jagged edges and slippery footholds I have overcome, I can see that my quest for happiness was pretty rough, but I have arrived.  The question becomes, “What do I do now?”  My answer:  stake my flag in the peak and keep going.  I have arrived at happy, and that’s good enough for me.

A Night Out

The other night, I was invited to a concert at the local music club.  A guy friend from a couple years back texted that he had a ticket and wanted me to go.  So, I went.  I dressed up in my favorite skirt and black patent heels and met him at the front of the club.  We hung out and talked to one of the roadies for a while before the concert started, taking in the cluster of electronics that would make the concert possible.  I ran into a few other friends as well and chatted.  Once the concert started, we made our way to the third row standing.  From there, we watched the show and danced and laughed and had an incredible time.  Afterwards, we hung out and waited for the band with some other friends.  And the other ladies and I watched one particular security guard break down equipment and help pack up.  The guy was probably 6’3″ and his biceps were as big around as my waist.  No kidding.  He took his t-shirt off after a bit and was working in his white wife-beater, causing the ladies and me to drool profusely.  It was then that I realized there was such freedom in being able to ogle whomever, whenever, wherever.  There was freedom to talk to old friends, new friends, and strangers.  Being single suddenly became a lot of fun.  With my new found  freedom tucked in a safe place, I was home by midnight, having enjoyed the concert as well as the show after.

If I were to base my expectations of “singledom” on television shows, then I had the most boring and unsuccessful night ever.  The popular portrayal of the single life dictates that the only purpose for existence is to be actively seeking a mate, and having as much sex as possible until you find that one person that will make you whole.  And maybe that is the truth for some people.  But, from where I stand, I think it’s a line of bullshit.  There is nothing that a chat with your closest girlfriends and a naughty drawer can’t handle.  Ha.  That’s all a woman needs in life.  Truly.

So, ladies, don’t be discouraged if you aren’t living the bed-jumping, boy-humping, crazy single life you see on tv.  Enjoy your freedom and your space, talk to people, laugh, ogle, and don’t worry about meeting someone.   You have this moment to discover yourself… use it.